Underwater

I dream I am sitting on the beach at night quietly; there is a solemn energy.

Aphrodite sits next to me, “ok.” I tell her. I hand her my notebook. “I don’t remember anything anymore.”

She looks at me and asks, “what do you mean?”

“Like a dream within a dream that I’ve now forgotten completely.” I sigh, “they erased themselves from my memory, so much time passed, I forgot, what they look like, sound like, smell like, everything. Maybe it was never real. Maybe it never happened. Maybe it was all just some kind of weird dream.”

I hold my head in my hands and feel a pressure on my forehead. I am tired of feeling confused. Detached from reality, nothing holding onto me.

I let go of everything. It falls from my hands. I don’t know what I was holding onto. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m going to do.

In frustration tears form in my eyes. Aphrodite questions me, “are you okay?”

“I’m lost.” I tell her. “I’ve never been lost this long before. I’m worried this will be my entire life, walking around disoriented, nothing ever making sense, I’m never going to make it. I lost what I needed to make it.”

“What’s that?” She asks me.

“My mind.” I say solemnly as I look out at the waves. “It’s not going to come back, is it? I felt it. I felt it and I forgot everything. I can’t do math like I used to. I can’t calculate and plan. I can’t be the powerhouse that I used to be. I thought it would come back, I thought I could heal it - but I felt it. I felt the snap. And it’s gone. Is it ever coming back?” I ask her.

Aphrodite grabs my hand and stands up,

“Let’s go for a walk” she says to me.

She pulls me into the water and under the waves. I can breathe and it feels calmer.

“It’s not coming back.” She says to me bluntly. “You’ll be okay though, you have me.” She hands me a deck of tarot cards and suddenly I need air. I swim to the surface and burst through gasping to fill my lungs with real oxygen.

Aphrodite swims to the surface and follows, treading the water, she pulls me back to the land.

“I can feel it getting worse.” I tell her. “Anything stresses me and knocks me off balance and my brain hits the delete all button. How much can be deleted before I’m left with…”

“Happiness?” She chimes in.

I sigh. It’s true. It’s how the brain survives, ignorance is bliss.

“I don’t understand how I will make it like this, I wanted someone to rely on. I wanted to finally feel someone would be there, I don’t think I can do it alone anymore. I don’t think, I should, do it alone, anymore… it feels like this is a bad idea long term. I feel too unprotected and too vulnerable. it keeps .. getting.. harder.. and I’m .. just lucky I’ve even gotten this far really.”

I shuffle through the deck of cards, and sit down on the wet sand, the waves gently coming up to my feet as I lay the cards out.

“I feel out of touch with reality.” I say to her, she caresses my cheek with her hand and looks into my eyes with a smile attempting to soothe me.

“What do the cards say?” She asks.

“Temperance, 6 of wands, and 6 of cups.” I say to her quietly.

“Be patient, success is ahead, you will find somewhere that feels like home.” She reassures me.

I don’t really care what the cards say anymore. I still feel like I am under water.